The Tyranny Of Should

Have you ever felt sure about something and then done the opposite?

Have you felt pushed or persuaded by some invisible force?

You can’t quite describe what it was. You chose the opposite of what you knew you really wanted. But you don’t know why.

Have you ever turned down a dream job because your parents didn’t understand it? Have you beat yourself up endlessly over a decision you made?

Then you’ve experienced the Tyranny of Should.

There are two ways “should” gets us. The first is looking back and ruminating about what we should’ve done. The second is making decisions based on what we feel like we should do, instead of what we feel called to do.

It’s going to law school instead of opening a restaurant.

It’s making a tough decision and then criticizing ourselves down the road when it doesn’t work out.

The tyranny of should is of making decisions because of what we feel like we have to do. Different than making decisions based on our responsibilities in life. This isn’t a plea to ditch your family, drive to Vegas and throw it all on red.

It is a plea to trust yourself. Or to at least consider that maybe you know more than you think. That maybe you can look at the decisions you’re making and realize that invisible force, that feeling of should, is imagined. That there is no right way to do everything. That you don’t have to do anything because of what someone before you did.

Stop Shoulding On Yourself

Imagine you’re walking down the street. You’re feeling great and the weather’s perfect. You’ve got on your favorite shirt and things are going your way.

Then splat…a bird shits on you. You’d do everything in your power to be out of your clothes and into a shower as quickly as possible.

This is easy to imagine when it comes to the physical world.

But when it comes to our mental world, we don’t think twice about walking around covered in mental bird shit.

Think of “shoulding” in the same way. We need to cleanse ourselves of the should. We need it off of our clothes and out of our vocabulary.

Shoulding is looking at the past through the lens of the present.

Spending time ruminating on what we should’ve done is wasting time that could be focused on what we can do.

Shoulding is holding ourselves to an impossible standard. It’s judging our past decisions based on information we didn’t have or didn’t see. Maybe there wasn’t enough time to see it all or we were on a deadline.

Regardless, sitting around opining on what we should’ve done, is spending time focused on something we can’t control. It’s in the past. Move your energy and attention to what you can control, which is how you’re responding to whatever situation you’re in.

Next time you catch yourself starting to should, stop. Shift your focus. What can you do now? How can you productively channel your energy and move forward? Bring your attention to the way the world is, not how you wish it was, and act.  

Don’t Take Should From Others

Should is a word favored by those in the bleachers.

It’s a favorite word of those always dishing out advice, but never acting.

What you definitely shouldn’t do is take advice or waste time appeasing someone living a life you don’t want to emulate.

The trouble with should is that we act as if we’re never supposed to make mistakes. The Monday morning quarter back, the critic, loves to opine on what others should do.

President Theodore Roosevelt once remarked that it’s, “not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.”

If you choose to take chances, to get in the arena, you’re going to fail. And there will be critics who will tell you what you should’ve done, who will point out each misstep and tell you your efforts were a waste of time.

Roosevelt reminds us that he who fails, “at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Hold yourself accountable, but don’t become a critic to yourself. The more time you spend shoulding, the more likely you are to miss future opportunities. Get the word out of your vocabulary and the people who use it out of your life.